Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
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THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.