I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
You Might Also Like
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
3% human
97% stress
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.