My Sentiments Exactly
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So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.