My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
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I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I see your IQ test came back negative
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!