Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
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[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!