50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
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Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
man i love columbo
Knock Knock
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
the worm is coming from inside the brain
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.