Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
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Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
*checks Timeline*…
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
what kind of cook setting is this??
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Bros before Ohioes
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?