My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
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The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*