“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
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me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation