Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
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My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
I think I’m having a stroke
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Spring of Deception
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe