The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
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I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Air conditioning – not a fan
Tough love is true love
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Owl Sanctuary
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.