Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
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[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?