1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
You Might Also Like
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
ibopfufen
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants