Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
You Might Also Like
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
black phone good
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie