You Might Also Like
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars