Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
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3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.