Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
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Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.