When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
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Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Happy Star Wars day!
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.