i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
You Might Also Like
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]