Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
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Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.