[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
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I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
The news is so predictable nowadays
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Batman v Dracula
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute