I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
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My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
It was worth a shot 😂
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.