I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
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My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
my professor scared me for a second
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.