Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
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GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.