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JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Still cracks me up
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what