My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
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My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.