I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
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Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns