It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
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If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest