Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
You Might Also Like
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.