I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
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My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Coffee is ready.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.