“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
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This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
#oldknees
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company