People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
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It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait