Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
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Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take