Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
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nothing saves money like being antisocial
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions