Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
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[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Have kids, they said
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock