Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
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The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.