King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
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Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…