*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
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#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.