Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
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It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
The USS B port
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I put the hot in psychotic.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on