Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
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[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
it’s finally my moment to shine
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”