Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
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[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Me, reading some of your tweets
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.