He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
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her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job