Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
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BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
#parenting
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
San Francisco has too many rules