*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
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ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*