heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
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Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.