I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
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I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
(yawn)
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
Very good! 👍😂
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N