[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
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My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar