[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
You Might Also Like
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
I’m sorry…what?
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
black phone good
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.