*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
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Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
I’ve had worse
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.