saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
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You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.